Blinded With Pseudoscience: Magnetic Distractions

Blinded With Pseudoscience: Magnetic Distractions is the first episode of Season 3 of Clone High, and the 24th episode of the overall series.

Synopsis[]

After returning from summer break, the students at Clone High become acquainted with their new science teacher, Professor Hirsute. Meanwhile, a new friendless Joan receives an invite from the only club that will take her as a member.

Plot[]

It's the first day back at Clone High High School after summer vacation and Principal Scudworth is determined to have his students do actual schoolwork this year, since he blew all his money on last year's Death Maze and can't afford to experiment with his clones like lab rats anymore. Joan calls him out on this but fails to garner anyone's agreement, since everyone in the school hates her for how she tried to kill them all during said event. Harriet Tubman did an independent study on magnets, which none of the clones are interested in hearing about, save for Toussaint Louverture.

Just then, the new science teacher, Professor Hirsute, breaks on into the classroom and puts on a big awesome show for all the students. He instantly wins the hearts of all the students by being a cool teacher, who gives his students rewards for doing whatever they want, demonstrated by how he gave Abe and JFK "points" for showing up late, as he was just proud of them for thinking for themselves. Principal Scudworth does not like this new teacher, telling him that he sees right through his little guise. He is especially suspicious of how protective he is of his satchel.

Principal Scudworth contacts The Secret Board of Shadowy Figures and finds that Candide is now the sole member of the board, having taken over after they were all murdered. She claims that she's the one responsible for hiring Professor Hirsute and demands Scudworth stay the hell away from him. Principal Scudworth tries to make himself look cool in front of the kids by giving himself an ear piercing that just leads to gore.

Joan gets recruited by a mysterious note to go under the bleachers in the school gym. There, she meets The Bleacher Creatures, a secret society of social outcasts, who have also been ostracized for being horrible people, including their leader, Topher Bus. They initiate her to become their newest member. Joan is hesitant about joining.

Harriet and Toussaint are annoyed with Hirsute for his unorthodox teaching methods and lighting books on fire, so they go to tell Scudworth to get rid of him. Scudworth tells them that he wants him gone just as much as they do but he's powerless to stop them. He tasks Harriet and Toussaint with infiltrating his mysterious satchel, which he supposes contains the evidence necessary for taking him down.

In Hirsute's class, JFK bullies other students such as Van Gogh, who he dunks in the toilet, Confucius swallows a bunch of magnets, making himself magnetic and getting a bunch of metal stuff stuck to him, and Abe stares directly into the sun, burning his retinas and nearly blinding himself, all earning themselves a bunch of points from Hirsute for their free-thinking. The guys also start coming up with a bunch of random conspiracy theories that he rewards them on believing in. Hirsute claims that the biggest myth of them all is gravity, which he proves by releasing a bird into the air. He tells Confucius that he wants his help with proving his anti-gravity theory to a bunch of scientific elites.

After school hours, Harriet and Toussaint sneak into Hirsute's class while he's sleeping and they steal his satchel, replacing it with a decoy. During this time, Harriet finds herself falling in love with Toussaint, which she has to fight her feelings for, due to her relationship with Confucius. After making this escape, Harriet and Toussaint get lost in each others eyes and have steaming hot ocular sex, which Harriet instantly regrets.

Joan and the other Bleacher Creatures work on designing a logo for their group, which they'll later vandalize the school with. Joan waves to Cleo and Frida as they pass her by but they just flip her off.

The next day, Confucius stands atop the school, prepared to prove that gravity is a lie by jumping off. Harriet and Toussaint step in just in time to prove that Professor Hirsute is a very sleazy figure, who keeps changing his identity. He and his satchel are wanted in several different states for killing students at other schools in the following wars; convincing students them they could breathe underwater, thereby drowning them, making them eat crystals, under the guise that it cures measles, and lethally vaccinating people with raccoon juice. Professor Hirsuite still tries to convince Confucius to jump, by bringing up how he suspects Harriet is having an affair with Toussaint.

Before Confucius can make up his mind, the magnets he swallowed attracts a satellite dish to come flying at him, knocking him off the building in slow motion, giving Harriet enough time to come up with the idea to use her magnet project to repel Confucius from hitting the ground, thereby saving his life. Hirsute is mad at the clones for betraying them so he takes his satchel and leaves, only for the Swat Team to show up on the scene and have him arrested, as well as having his satchel shot down in a blazing gunfire.

Scudworth then asks Candide just why the hell she hired him and Candide tells him that she knew he was corrupt all along and only hired him to weed out the good clones from the bad ones, by determining which students would be dumb enough to take his advice. Scudworth's metal earring then gets ripped out of his ear by Confucius' magnetic field as he passes by, which earns him the respect of Van Gogh, finally helping Scudworth achieve his mission of being "cool" with at least one of the students.

The clones all celebrate Hirsute's defeat and Joan tries to join in on the party but they still reject her. Joan accepts how she's never getting her old friends' respect back and officially joins The Bleacher Creatures.

Characters[]

Major Roles[]

Minor Roles[]

Abe Lincoln
JFK
Cleopatra
Frida Kahlo
Topher Bus
Mr. Butlertron
Candide Sampson
Jackie the Ripper
Ivan the Terrible
Lizzie Borden
Vlad the Impaler
Van Gogh
Scientists
Catherine the Great (Cameo)
Isaac Newton (Cameo)
William Shakespeare (Cameo)
George Washington (Cameo)
Anne Boleyn (Cameo)
Sigmund Freud (Cameo)
Big Mama Thornton (Cameo)
Betsy Ross (Non-Speaking Cameo)
Jesús Cristo (Non-Speaking Cameo)
Piano Red (Non-Speaking Cameo)
Marie Antoinette (Non-Speaking Cameo)
Marie Curie (Non-Speaking Cameo)
Julius Caesar (Non-Speaking Cameo)
The Brontë Sisters (Non-Speaking Cameo)
Rambo (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Songs[]

Peptide Jam
Bleacher Creature Role Call

Trivia[]

This episode takes place the next school year after Season 2. As such, all of the clones have gone up a grade.
Professor Hirsute tells Confucius to look up his last name, claiming that it means "Hair Suit". The definition of "Hirsute" is literally "Hairy", which Confucius grants "kind of does mean hair suit".
Principal Scudworth questions whether or not they live in the Western United States, referencing the ambiguity of what state Exclamation! U.S.A. is set in.
Clone High High School has a class dismissal missile.

Continuity[]

Joan has become a social outcast thanks to her actions in "Clone Alone".
Candide Sampson has become the sole member of The Secret Board of Shadowy Figures after all of its previous members were killed by Scudworth in Clone Alone.
A few minutes into the episode, Scudworth opens a lost & found drawer. Inside said drawer, various items from season one can be spotted : A bottle of X-Stream Blu from S1E2, Joan's retainer and one of the two matching friendship lockets (although it is unknown whether it belongs to Abe or Gandhi) from S1E3, Joan's film reel from S1E4, Gandhi's G-Spot chain and a copy of his song "G-Spot rocks the G-Spot" from S1E7, a dented can of Beef Broth from S1E8, two raisin cigars and a bag of magic trail mix from S1E9 and a Knork from S1E11. Interestingly enough, there is also an earring inside that appears to be the one Gandhi is usually wearing, which Scudworth even puts on in the episode.
Beneath the bleachers where the Bleacher Creatures reside, Joan's old furniture can be seen in the background. This is a direct call back to S1E8 where Toots' and Joan's house burnt down and they had to live under said bleachers until they both moved into Cleo's home.

Cultural References[]

Professor Hirsute references Professor John Keating from the film Dead Poets Society. He does cool, if abnormal things like standing on his desk, and sees himself as an educator of underprivileged inner-city kids, even though the students of Clone High are actually very fortunate students in a suburban environment, who go to a decently funded facility.
Principal Scudworth questions why the forest is on fire like the Western United States. This is a reference to the various wildfires in the western United States in 2020 that affected California, Oregon, and Washington.
Jackie the Ripper addressing Joan as "Mary" is a reference to her actor, Jackee Harry's other role as Sandra Clark from 227, and how her catchphrase was "Mary", as in Mary Jenkins.
JFK claims that "the big bang theory" didn't start everything. Young Sheldon did, referencing the spin-off series of The Big Bang Theory.
Hirsute thinks that Bill Nye the Science Guy is a liar.

Historical References[]

Jesús Cristo carves his name into his desk, which is a reference to him being a carpenter.
Jackie the Ripper addresses Joan as "Mary", which was the name of Jack the Ripper's first victim, Mary Ann Nichols. There are in fact some who believe The Ripper was actually a woman, and interestingly, another Mary was suspected of being the killer's true identity.
Toussaint Louverture claims that he'd gladly give his life for a righteous cause, just like his clonefather.
Toussaint tells Harriet to scatter like ashes, which is a reference to how his clonefather burned down hundreds of slave plantations in Haiti, immolating hundreds of slaveowners to ash.
Isaac Newton was one of the students attending Professor Hirsute's demonstration of why gravity is a myth, which is ironic, considering his clonefather is the one who first proved the existence of gravity.
Van Gogh finds Principal Scudworth's mutilated ear to be very cool, due to his clonefather famously having a mutilated ear, himself.

Production Notes[]

Although this episode premiered on February 1, 2024, it was actually produced in 2023 according to the credits, as with every other episode of season 3.