“ | You know, Abe Lincoln was my favorite president. Blood wasn't the only thing Original Abe Lincoln liked to spray around the cheap seats. | „ |
- Mrs. Grumbles coming onto Abe |
Mrs. Diane Grumbles was the sex-ed teacher at Clone High High School. She is a perverted old woman, who sexually harassed her underage students, particularly Abe Lincoln. She appeared in "Sexy-Ed".
Biography[]
In "Sexy-Ed", Mr. Butlertron appointed the very seductive and provocative Mrs. Diane Grumbles to be the new sex-ed teacher at Clone High High School, hoping she would be romantic enough to make Joan and JFK fall in love with each other again. Despite her being gross and nasty, Principal Scudworth quickly fell smitten with her.
In her sex-ed class, Mrs. Grumbles taught the students the golden rule; "If you have sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone they've ever had sex with." Despite giving people the right information, she still behaved very inappropriately, asking people if they thought this aforementioned fact was "hot". She assigned the students to partner up and put a fake sperm in a fake egg. She chose the partners herself but only chose Joan and JFK to partner up, allowing everyone else to choose among themselves who they wanted to work with. Because of their recent breakup, Joan and JFK disobeyed Mrs. Grumbles' orders and refused to work together, instead partnering up with George Washington Carver and Sacagawea, respectively.
There was an odd number of students in the classroom, leaving Abe Lincoln as the only guy without a partner. Mrs. Grumbles took it upon herself to become Abe's partner. She immediately started coming onto him and trying to get him to respond to her advances. She told Abe that the Original Abraham Lincoln was her favorite president and suggested he stay with her after class. Abe politely declined, telling Mrs. Grumbles that he needs to go and confess his feelings to Joan. Mrs. Grumbles asked Abe why he would waste his time pursuing a girl, when he could have a full-grown woman such as herself. Abe laughed off Mrs. Grumbles' pass, seeing it as just a joke and walked off, calling Mrs. Grumbles a "character". As this went down, Topher Bus witnessed everything and got a mischievous idea.
Topher warned Abe that it was too early to ask out Joan, since she wouldn't want to have sex with a virgin, especially after just ending her relationship with the sexually promiscuous JFK. Topher convinced Abe to have sex with Mrs. Grumbles first so that way, he would have had more experience than JFK, on account of Abe technically "having sex with everyone she's ever had sex with" and Mrs. Grumbles being a very historically slutty woman, having an immensely extensive track record.
Abe went to the teacher's lounge to have sex with Mrs. Grumbles and Topher secretly recorded him. Mrs. Grumbles put on some "modern music" on the gramophone to set the mood. As she got ready to have sex with Abe, she told him that they need to keep their sexual encounter a secret or else they'd both go to jail and urged Abe not to look this up so that he wouldn't find out that it's only her that would be going to jail for this. Mrs. Grumbles took out her dentures and started licking and sucking Abe's face. As she did, the ghosts of all of her previous sexual partners starting flying in circles around him, making Abe feel very uncomfortable. Abe finally backed out of this encounter and had to tell Mrs. Grumbles that he didn't want to have sex with her anymore. He got no response from Mrs. Grumbles because just then, she had suddenly died on the spot, supposedly having suffered from a fatal heart attack, fueled by her body being overexerted with the high energy of her sexual arousal. Just then, Principal Scudworth came in with the cucumbers Mrs. Grumbles asked for earlier, only to see that she was now dead and be mildly disappointed with it.
Principal Scudworth and Candide Sampson hid Mrs. Grumbles' corpse under the rug and seemed to be more frustrated with the fact that their plan to get Joan and JFK back together had failed, than they were about the incident of pedophilia, attempted statutory rape of a student, and on-campus death of a teacher, all of which Mr. Butlertron tried to call attention to, only to be ignored.
At the Harrcius Major Rager, Abe went to profess his feelings for Joan but was stopped by Topher, who showed Abe the pictures and videos he had of him making out with Mrs. Grumbles. Topher blackmailed him with this (although he preferred to use the term "white leverage") on account of himself having a crush on Joan and wanting to get Abe out of the way for himself pursuing her. Sadly, this left Abe with no choice but to keep his feelings to himself and reject Joan, when she asked him if he wanted to hang out sometime.
In "Clone Alone", Topher continued to white leverage Abe with the Mrs. Grumbles pictures. Later in the episode, JFK found out about this and crushed Topher's phone between his buttcheeks, destroying the media to help Abe to finally get with Joan.
In "Money Can Buy Me Love: Stupid Is as Cupid Does", Abe brings up to Mary how he possibly killed an old lady with a kiss, referencing to Mrs. Grumbles' death, while she sexually assaulted him.
Trivia[]
- She is a parody on Mrs. Geraldine Grundy from the Archieverse franchise.
- She is a play on how in the original Archie comics and TV shows, Mrs. Grundy was portrayed as a grouchy old lady in her golden years but in the teen-drama Riverdale adaption of the franchise, she was turned into a hot and sexy young woman in her 30's so that she could have a sexual relationship with main character, Archie Andrews. The CW network, of course, needed to age her down and hotten her up for this, since having Archie making out with an old lady who was in the real Mrs. Grundy's age range would not be marketable to kids and teens. Mrs. Grumbles' relationship with Abe basically portrays what Mrs. Grundy's relationship with Archie would have been like, had the show kept her the same age in Riverdale.
- Her favorite president is Abraham Lincoln.
- Mrs. Grumbles claims to have invented the missionary position.
- Topher Bus rumored that Mrs. Grumbles had sex with Billy Bob Thornton.
- When Mrs. Grumbles was making out with Abe, the ghosts of all her past sexual partners were seen flying around. Some of these partners were women, proving that Mrs. Grumbles is a bisexual with a long past of experimenting with other women.