| “ | I find that being anonymous brings out the best of me. | „ |
| - Topher Bus |
Christopher Columbus (AKA "Topher Bus") is a second-generation clone of Italian explorer and Caribbean colonist, Christopher Columbus. He goes by the name "Topher Bus" to hide his heritage and avoid the societal shame which comes with his clone father being "canceled." He first appeared in "Let's Try This Again". He is voiced by Neil Casey.
Biography
In "Let's Try This Again", Abe met Topher when switching shoes with him at the "Walk a Mile in Someone Else's Shoes" event for Unity Week. There, Topher had to correct Abe for using problematic slang words like "Spaz" and "Retarded", which didn't fly in 2023. Topher explained to Abe the importance of "wokeness" and how he needs to be PC if he wants to avoid being canceled. He also revealed that he's the clone of Christopher Colombus but felt the need to change his name to "Topher Bus" to disassociate from his clonefather, following the man's recent cancellation for being a colonist, slave trader, and rapist.
In "Sleepover", Topher took Abe over to his house for a sleepover, where we were introduced to his trad-wife mom, Caitlyn. During his time there, Topher got triggered by a comment JFK left on FlipFlop, which was insensitive to Italians. This instigated a flame war between the two of them, which ultimately ended with Topher losing tragically, when JFK corrected his misuse of "Your" and "You're".
In "Anxious Times at Clone High", Topher got a wild possum named Lucy Fur to help him relieve stress but it only increased his stress by attacking him. Topher got mauled by Lucy Fur and eventually chased down the halls by the Heebie Jeebie, who kidnapped him and murdered Lucy Fur. It turned out later that The Heebie Jeebie was just a costume worn by Ian Ziering, who actually just took Topher (and the other kidnapped clones) to a Reputable Spa. Topher was later seen dancing with Toussaint Louverture at the Broad Daylight Swimsuit Dance.
In "The Crown: Joancoming: It’s a Cleo, Cleo, Cleo, Cleo World", Topher was one of the candidates for homecoming king. However, he was ruled out due to being a complete piece of human garbage. He was later seen in various crowd shots, being brainwashed by Cleopatra.
In "Some Talking but Mostly Songs", Topher wanted to be in Harriet's musical, "Twister: The Game: The Musical" but he was rejected. He later got recruited by Principal Scudworth to do a performative fight with Mr. Butlertron in the halls so that he could publicly put a stop to it and feign responsibility in front of Candide Sampson but she didn't buy it.
In "Saved by the Knoll", Topher was at the funeral for the wreckage of The Grassy Knoll and was disgusted to hear from Mops that what he thought was an all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet was actually the deep-fried corpse of Curly. He also took part in rebuilding The Grassy Knoll for Joan.
In "Sexy-Ed", Topher attended the funeral for Joan and JFK's relationship and was glad to see Joan escape the patriarchal courting rituals of heteronormative relationships. When he heard that Abe was going to ask her out, he convinced him to first have sex with Mrs. Grumbles so that he could have more sexual experience before going for it. Abe listened to Topher's stupid advice and although he never went through with having sex with Mrs. Grumbles, he did get into a compromising position with her, which Topher took a picture of and used to blackmail, (or in his own words, "white leverage") him into staying away from Joan. When asked why he would do such a thing, Topher revealed that he had a crush on Joan too and wanted Abe out of his way. This left Abe with no choice but to blow Joan off when she tried to get closer to him.
In "Clone Alone", Topher continues to blackmail Abe, threatening to show Joan the picture of him and Mrs. Grumbles every time he tried to get close to her. He also used this to make Abe into his slave so he could bully him around. Topher, along with the rest of the clones, was sent into Principal Scudworth's Death Maze. In this Death Maze, JFK found out about what Topher was doing and saved Abe, by stealing Topher's phone and crushing it between his buttcheeks. Topher failed to complete the Death Maze, after Joan defeated him and he was sent to the prison below, where Candide plotted to have his memory erased. While Topher awaited what he assumed would be his death, he decided that he was done pretending to be nice and would act like the asshole he'd always been deep down. Joan eventually came in and saved everybody but they were all pissed off at her for trying to kill them.
In "Blinded With Pseudoscience: Magnetic Distractions", Topher and the Bleacher Creatures invited Joan to join their club after she had become a social outcast for her actions in the Death Maze.
Appearance
Topher is shown with a small maroon beanie, a pointed nose, dark brown poofy hair, with a white (seemingly collared shirt), white skin, pink pants, and striped blue/indigo shoes. He also wears a brown bracelet on his wrist.
Personality
Topher can be described as easily angered and a loner. He has few friends, like Abe. He can be quite rude at times, as shown when he is engaging in heated internet debate on FlipFlop and when he is around his mother. Topher can be rather ruthless through the internet, to the point where his only friend describes him as a monster (in real life and on the internet.) Topher keeps to himself and isn't too social.
Topher suffers from white liberalism, as seen by how he tries to be woke and politically correct by supporting causes like BLM and Feminism. In actuality, however, this all seems to be performative activism to counteract how deep down, he's subtly pretty conservative and misogynistic.
Trivia
- Topher Bus was named in tribute to Topher Taylor, one of the producers of the first season of the show.
- His name is a shortening of Chris(Topher) Colum(Bus). This is due to the fact that he wishes to distance himself from his clone father. He states this in "Let's Try This Again".
- Topher is required by his therapist to have at least three social interactions a month or else he'll be institutionalized in a mental asylum over spring break.
- Topher's FlipFlop handle is "top-her 69".
- Topher owns a guitar but he doesn't play it. It was just given to him as a gift by his foster uncle.
- In "Spring Broken", Topher's favorite food was shrimp as he kept on eating "Bus Shrimp" the whole time, giving him severe halitosis.
- He is the only second generation main character not to have appeared as a background character with a different design back in Season 1, in contrast to Harriet Tubman, Frida Kahlo, and Confucius.
- Topher Bus did not appear in the episodes "For Your Consideration", "Money Can Buy Me Love: Stupid Is as Cupid Does", "Go Yell It on the Mountain: Snow Way Out", and "Cyranos: A Portmant-Opus", despite him being a main character at the time.
- Topher Bus appeared but had no dialogue in "Cloney Island: Twist!".